There and Never Came Back Again
by hobbitonheel
Summary: A dwarf's tale by Ivy Jennings. When a girl narrowly escapes a sticky end, she is thrown into Middle Earth, unaware of all things around her. Found, sort of, by Thorin in a forest she travels with him to the Shire where she eventually joins the company. Unexpected events will hit her in the head before she could even say 'hobbit! Eventual romance. Fili/OC and Thorin/OC
1. An Unexpected Introduction

**Chapter One – The Unexpected Introduction.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Hobbit, or twilight, or any of Sean Kingston's lyrics. Sorry.**

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**Dear Readers,**

About three things I was absolutely positive on.

First, Edward was a vampire.

Second, he's actually very good looking when he isn't looking so...constipated.

And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably unprepared to recite twilight, so I think I'll stop there. Because I'm not a genius and positive on everything all the time like Bella, I was unsure whether I was alive or not.

Indeed, that sounds dramatic, I guess it is. It wasn't like Eastenders, there wasn't a flash of car lights, a loud scream and I most certainly was not flung over a car in an attempt to look as realistic as possible. There was a sharp, skidding noise and I think I was dead. A bit like Moaning Myrtle though I wasn't killed by a huge snake that haunted my school of witchcraft and wizardry. That would be quite cool though, maybe it wasn't for Myrtle. Anyway as far as I could tell, heaven wasn't quite like I'd imagined it. It seemed very green and I must have missed out the small detail where you fall into a forest, on to a small horse and its rider. But let's start at the very beginning...

**'There and never came back again. A Dwarf's tale by Ivy Jennings.'  
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I wrote on the parchment. I had decided that my past adventure would be spiffing to write up, it may even be famous. Unless that bloody Bilbo Baggins had written up the adventure himself, I had a hunch he would. But here is something he didn't have. He didn't have his best friend also writing up her story in it as well, did he?

**'Written (a tiny bit) by Mendril Bromley.' **

I added in at the bottom in smaller writing. There we go. Though, thinking of my old friends was quite emotional and did bring a tear to my eye, which was a bit odd as I had been living with them all or a rather long time now. They're very lucky I started writing this first as I was planning on writing up ''Confessions of an Orcoholic' that was based on a secret diary I found on our journey. No offence to the Orc, it was just dribble on how emotional and hormonal it had been (shudder). I guess this story was far more interesting.

'**It all started on a typical British afternoon. Raining, poring and nonetheless it was soaking.' **

Nifty. What a depressing way to start. I bet Bilbo has started like 'there once lived a Hobbit' or something along those lines. Don't get me wrong, I liked Bilbo, but he did take my idea. Hmmm...

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So sit back readers, wherever you may be. You may be a Hobbit sitting in its Shire's library wishing your story was as brilliant as mine. Good luck.

You may be a pointy eared elf hoping to get mentioned in the story because you feel bad for keeping our company as prisoners while you slept all day and partied all night, without us.

Or you could be an emotionally distressed fan of mine, if so, I salute you good soldier. Many fans wait in Bombur's burger bar to wait for us. Let's just say, little Ori resurfaced from the crowd with large holes in his clothes, bless him.

Whoever you are, enjoy the ride as you experience adventure, romance and witty banter.

**Signed Ivy Jennings, keeper of the keys. **

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**A/N : Sorry for having such a bad beginning but I needed to introduce it somehow! The next chapters will actually involve Middle Earth so don't you worry your little curly heads. Thanks for reading!**


	2. Oh Captain, My Captain

**Chapter Two – Oh captain, my captain.  
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Disclaimer: I do not own The Hobbit or anything that you recognise from any other film, book, whatever.  
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It all started on a typical British afternoon. Raining, pouring and nonetheless it was soaking. I sighed as I walked out of school with the rest of the girls who also attend. Many running so their precious hair and makeup were not ruined. I bid them a silent good luck as they sprinted like jack rabbits through the weather. But I walked at my own pace, I was soaking anyway so what was really the point? My whole uniform was drenched; my long hair had stuck to my face annoyingly like rat's tails. Behind me were a group of couples surprisingly finding it easy to snog and walk at the same time. I felt like shouting one of my famous comments at them but decided not to as they crossed the road. It was all too quick, I heard a scream, turning around puzzled, I heard a squeak of brakes and everything went black.

Confused as to where I was, I opened my eyes surprised to see clouds quickly floating pass my head. Looking down, I noticed that I was falling into what looked like a forest. Before I could open my mouth to scream, I landed roughly on to a branch of a tree. I sighed a breath of relief, but before I could even look around, the branch cracked above me and I ended up plundering down to the unknown. Finally, I landed on something but it wasn't the forest floor.

"What in the name of Durin?" I heard the lump I had landed on hiss. Whoever this Durin was, he wasn't my problem. Hastily, I pushed myself off, landing with a thump on to the actual forest floor. Opening my eyes, I noticed that I was fine, I had lived!

"I'm alive," I whispered in disbelief, hugging myself. "Yeah baby! No one can beat the Grinch!" I shouted standing up. To add to the affect, I ran around the lump who was on a pony. Sneakily, I added in a small gangnam style dance but the pony didn't look too pleased. "Sorry." I said to it stopping. Looking at the lump, I noticed it was rather small and hairy. Reaching up, I parted its hair to reveal a very angry looking male face. I waved as he shook his hair, rather majestically, away from his face. Great, I was in a staring competition with a small man and his pony, yeah because that seems fair. "Um...sorry for falling and kind of sitting on you. It's not a great hobby of mine but considering your rather irritated expression, I guess I'm rather good at it?" I asked hopefully, rubbing the back of my head with a hand. I don't know why I did, but when men are shy in films they do that and they seem to look more attractive.

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_IAI (Ivy's add in). – I was rubbing my neck, the man wasn't. That would have been a bit special.  
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The short man frowned and jumper rather graciously, I must admit, off his noble steed. As he sized me up, I realised he was actually taller than me, a ca awkward.

"What is your name she-dwarf?" He said, his hair moved as he spoke. Wait DWARF?! Soon I found myself lying on the floor rather hysterically banging it with my fist. The man didn't find it very funny. Oh well.

"Dwarf?" I spluttered me a dwarf? "Sorry sir, but if I'm a dwarf, well...you're no snow white!" I said rubbing invisible tears from my eyes. The man kept staring at me as I remained lying on the floor. While regaining composure, I noticed how odd I had looked and stood up. Goodness gracious.

"What is your name?" He repeated taking a step towards me; his hand was holding the top of his sword. I looked at it in alarm and put up my hands.

"Ivy Jennings, we come in peace!" I said trying my best to imitate an alien, resulting in my sounding like I was high on helium. The man furrowed his eyebrows before releasing his hand from the sword.

"Where are you from?" Wow, lots of questions, this isn't who wants to be a millionaire is it? Because Dan went on that and failed on the first round thing, so proud of him. The man cleared his throat impatiently, wow so much for letting go of the sword.

"England, seventeen years old, apparently now a dwarf, probably happy if I could choose, I might be dead, not entirely sure yet, definite Gryffindor, not much of a Slytherin and Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff are useless anyway." I blurted out desperately. He frowned then looked me up and down. Creep.

"What are you wearing?" Oh another question. To be honest, he wasn't exactly on the catwalk himself, rude. I looked down and realised I was still wearing my school uniform. Alarmingly, my jumper and blouse had grown and now finished past my knees. My skirt, I admit, was rolled up a bit was past my feet making it impossible for them to be seen. Speaking of which, my shoes were too big for me, no wonder I was lying on the ground. Silly me.

"They've grown!" I said in disbelief. He turned around and started walking to his mean pony. Okay bye then.

"Or you've shrunk." He stated. "Come, I know someone who may know what's happened to you." I furrowed my eyebrows, if he wanted to ask me out he could have just said and anyway he looked a bit old. He looked up, now seated rather majestically. "There will be food." With that, I bolted jumping on to the pony like there was no tomorrow. Ignoring the fact that I was on the back of a horse who hated me, if horse can hate people and sat behind a man who's obviously on his time of the month.

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"Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed." I sang bored out my mind. It had been only about ten minutes and Thorin had already told me off for doing 'something wrong'.

That was his name, Thorin Oakenshield; I mean what an amazing name! I asked if could call him Thor but he didn't seem too pleased. Then again, he didn't seem very pleased when I started explaining to him the avengers. He was a dwarf, like me, fate brought us together I believe. He said he was going to this Shire place for a party. Glad I hopped on. Something to do with a dragon and gold but I'll be honest, being the sheer Robin Hood I was, I didn't think about rolling in any gold at all, go me. He was indeed very hairy, longer hair than I had and a long beard too that reminded me of a badger. I must say though, his brows needed a good plucking. They were everywhere. Anyway, I explained my life to him but he didn't seem very interested so I stopped and started singing instead. This perked our adventure up.

"Milady Ivy, would you please stop singing or sing a different song? You've been singing the same words for the last ten minutes." He said interrupting my vocal warm up. It sounded as though his was gritting his teeth, probably not. I thought of a song, cleared my voice and started.

"I see trees of green, red roses too. I see em bloom, for me and for you. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world!" I tried my best to imitate Louis Armstrong's voice but apparently Thorin said that I sounded like a strangled Orc, what a beautiful sound. There I said in silence, poking Thor every now and again which for some reason seemed to annoy him even more. "I bet!" I poked him again. "You couldn't even compliment me if you tried." I said glaring at his stupid badger hair.

"Really?" He replied. I nodded not too sure if he could see me. He exhaled as though this was one of the hardest things to do in life, it really wasn't.

"Despite, you're drowning fish singing and remarkably annoying personality; you are rather a beautiful dwarf." He said through gritted teeth.

"Aww shucks! Really?" I said in reply, patting him on his shoulder.

"No." He said, well that was nice. A ruined moment between two companions, we were like badgerman and she-dwarf, saving lives to go and party in the Shire, yeah.

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"Thor, are we there yet?" I moaned into his back. The stress of sitting there doing nothing was affecting me and besides my ass was very sore. Thorin sighed for was it the sixth time in a minute? Maybe, who knows?

"No." He said bluntly. God he was a moody man...dwarf. I moaned and closed my eyes against his badger fur.

"Thooooor?" I asked, my voice muzzled through his back.

"What?" Take a chill pill. I leaned up and started stroking his hair. "Stop it." He said, though I ignored him, his hair was so interested.

"Have you knitted badger fur into your hair?" I asked think of plaiting it. What about a messy bun? He would look so cool and indie, he does need a bit of a makeover. It must have taken him a while to readjust because he did this weird sort of twitchy dance before answering. (_Note to self: Ask for lessons on twitchy dance). _

"No?" He barked as though it was the most obvious answer in the world. Well you never, known he could have had baby badgers living in his hair. I could feed them and play with them but no, he had to be all mainstream and be like 'no I do not have badgers in my hair'. Frustrated, I started stroking my little pony, ignoring its little noises it made, it obviously liked it. Maybe not, it flicked its tail so it whipped my back which I must say rather hurt.

"Stupid pony with his stupid dwarf man." I muttered now really bored. Though in the distance, there was a small light through the trees. "Oh captain, my captain." I stood up, saluting, wow look at me standing up while riding a horse, I am so joining the circus. Apparently, it wasn't very impressive as I was told to sit down and shut up. Charming.

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When we had made it through the forest, me shaking with excitement; we were presented with the cutest little town ever! It looked like something from sylvanian families, not that I knew what that was. Anyway, there were little homes in the crowd, a little pub, but no little people. I felt like Dorothy half expected all the munchkins to come out and sing me a song about killing a witch. Nope, that didn't happen. We got lost, thanks to Thor, who blamed me so I blamed my little pony. Apparently we are looking for a door with a mark on it. Growling, like a wild badger, Thor stopped his pony and looked at the map he had. We were meant to be there by now, who cares? I just wanted to party. Looking around wildly, in need of some bottom comfort, I spotted a door right in front of us with a funny mark on it. Tapping Thor, I pointed at the door before his sighed (again) and directed my little pony to the door. Look at me being a genius.

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**A/N: Thanks for reading! I am glad we can appreciate a good sense of humour together. **


	3. Gandalf, My Knight In Shining Armour

**Chapter Three – Gandalf, My Knight In Shining Armour.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the hobbit or any of Shakira's lyrics.**

**A/N: Thank you for reading. Thank you for some of the lovely reviews, I'm glad you like it. To one in particular, and shall be taking some thought into your comment.**

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While Thorin took my little pony into a convenient little stable just a little walk away, I walked up to the round, green door. God sake, pull yourself together. Here's the deal, despite my rather embarrassing antics and witty comments, I was not good at meeting new people. Thorin, well we didn't really get off to a good start at all so really I just babbled the whole journey because I didn't know what to say. I could feel my hands start sweating, oh wow that will be a story to tell when the people we meet have to wipe their own hands after shaking mine. Swaying slightly, I closed my eyes to calm myself; the fidgeting on the other side of the door didn't really make it any better. By the time Thorin had reached the door, I turned to him.

"I'm scared." I whispered as he gave me a questioning glare. Well, thanks.

"So you're scared about meeting other people but you didn't exactly hesitate to ride with me." Was all he said reaching out to knock on the door, may I add, rather majestically.

"You said there would be food and you didn't have to take me, you could have left me in the wilderness and I could have been Tarzan. Making friends with monkeys and jumping around nearly naked-" Though I never finished as the door was opened, presenting a tall old man, who looked like a nice chap, a little man who looked as though he was going to pass out, at least I'm not the only one, and twelve, mostly hairy, dwarfs. Clearing my throat, I walked in after Thorin keeping my head down.

"Gandalf..." Thor said rather mysteriously. "I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice." I hid a slight smirk and pretended to cough, ha! He got lost twice! "I wouldn't have found it at all if it wasn't for that mark on the door." Thor continued. I leant over to the closest dwarf who looked rather like a child.

"I found it." I whispered. He smirked but then straightened when Thor looked over at us. The hobbit who looked liked he'd seen a ghost walked out from who I assumed was Gandalf's shadow.

"A mark? There is no mark on that door." I chuckled and stopped because who glared at me, you guessed it. Celebration dance for you!

"I think you'll find there is?" I said innocently, god I was like an angel. The hobbit looked at me then the tall old man, and moved to look at his beloved door.

"It was painted a week ago!" He cried. The man tried to straighten, but it proved rather difficult because well, he couldn't fit.

"There is a mark there Bilbo, because I left it there." Silence, I believe I was the only one to mutter an 'oooh' while the others just stared at the Hobbit in amusement.

"Bilbo Baggins may I introduce you to the leader of our company Thorin Okensheild." Cue dramatic music. "And his friend." Go me. I was about to throw an arm around Thor but was cut off.

"We are not friends." If you heard a crack, that was my heart breaking. I shuffled from foot to foot, feeling rather exposed under the eye of everyone, ooh er.

"Does she even speak?" A huge dwarf said, poking me roughly my side. I noticed he had hair growing out the sides of his head but none on top, hmm, some of these dwarf are in need of a good make over.

"It's getting her to shut up that's the problem." Thorin muttered, majestically removing his cloak. That's nice, I remain silent because I knew he didn't want me to speak, yet I'm still really annoying when I don't speak, that's fair. I glared at him as he turned to face the hobbit. Well, just for that Thorin Oakwood or whatever it was, I'm not going to listen to your stupid conversation. That's right; I'm going to hang with my new pals. Quietly I made my way over to a dwarf whose beard was black AND white. Me being me, I was extremely fascinated. The dwarf looked at me startled while I tried sign language. Pointing to the beard then to me, then to my head then thumbs up. Still he looked confused, Jesus Christ.

"Your beard is really cool." I whispered not really caring if anyone heard, we should all worship the beards. The dwarf muttered a thank you while turning back to Thorin. Luckily he was still having a gossip so I swayed again. I liked swaying. He made a 'funny' comment and swaggered off with all the dwarves following him. God, he was like the queen bee, the one everyone worshipped and then there was me, standing on my own in the hall with the tall and short men.

"Sorry, I'm Ivy." I said holding out a hand. The tall old guy shook it but the smaller one nodded then stalked off, looking for some new friends probably. I watched him leave before turning back to the man.

"I am Gandalf the Grey." He said smiling at me. I realised that none of them had a clue who I was. I could have been Paris Hilton and rode here on a sleigh of Chihuahuas and none of them would know who I am.

"Oh, I sort of met Thorin in the forest, well to be frank, I flew into him. I'm not exactly sure why I'm here to be honest, but as you can see from my clothes and personality that I'm not from around here." I rambled, feeling slightly embarrassed when Gandalf chuckled.

"Indeed, well I think there will be some spare clothes around. Though I must say, you are rather fair and skinny to be a she-dwarf." He said guiding me to a bedroom. 'She-Dwarf' sort of reminded me of a song. Hey! Maybe they'll make tales about me.

"There's a she-dwarf in your closet, let it out so she can breathe." I sang quietly as Gandalf passed me a shirt, some trousers and some rather snazzy braces.

"Get changed, then come into the kitchen and have some food." I love you Gandalf. He was probably the only person that I actually liked here. I stripped quickly, relieved to see that my underwear had not grown, that would be awful. I put on a long sleeved navy shirt that I rolled the sleeves, put on the trousers and attached the braces feeling like a hardcore farmer. Looking in the mirror, I snapped them while pulling some poses. Look at me, in braces, what's my name? Officer Braces, come to arrest you on farmer fashion sense. Quickly, I ran my fingers through my hair, not that it mattered, but I wanted the dwarves to see that I was part of hairy club too. I strutted out of the room. Out into the hall, good start, only need to the dining room. Coat stand, avoid, dammit. I tripped over the coat stand sending it straight on to me. That was loud. There was no point trying to get up, I should just live here. Little O me, a little dwarf living under a coat stand. There was a thundering of footsteps as I saw many pairs of boots. I groaned in pain and stayed still. Funnily enough, no one laughed, at school all the girls would have been wetting themselves.

"Ow." Was the only thing I could say. Someone knelt down by my head and shook me a bit, well thank you very much for that.

"Are you alright lass?" There was another voice. I nodded but couldn't exactly move so I probably looked like a dying fish. Finally, someone pulled the thing off me while I rolled on to my back. To my surprise there were at least ten pairs of eyes staring down at me.

"I can see the light." I dramatically said reaching up. Some of them smirked as I winced.

"Get up." Thorin's voice was heard through the silent chuckles. Rolling my eyes, I pulled myself off the floor with the help of double beard and the tall scary one (He doesn't have a nickname yet).

"Thanks." I muttered brushing myself off. I looked up at scary who nodded. "Bet you feel a little bad for teasing me, don't ya?" I asked jabbing his side like he did to me. He rubbed his neck like I had done when meeting O bearded one, though unfortunately, he didn't look very attractive. I smirked and skipped, I like to skip, passed them all and into the kitchen. Gandalf was sat there smoking his pipe and making tea, as you do, and seemed rather happy to see me.

"There we are! Much better!" He said as I sat down on the bench not really sure what to say. "Hungry?" He asked, chuckling as I nodded my heard vigorously. I'll be honest and say that I hadn't had a proper meal in a while. The orphanage didn't exactly provide luxury, even to the person that kept the younger ones smiling through the day. That was another thing, should I tell them that? I didn't want them to pity me though I'm sure many of them did. Decisions, decisions. I was then given a cup of tea and some jam covered scones, yum yum. Bless his heart, Gandalf kept repeating that the others ate it all and that they weren't expecting me. Which was fair enough. Unfortunately, I was then pushed into the dining room, forced to listen to this boring story. I sat down next to a podgy, ginger dwarf who like me was still eating. I was planning on making a club, just for us eaters. Anyway, he seemed friendly.

"They say this quest is ours and ours alone." Thorin said. I watched as the dwarves started to grumble. Should I start grumbling? Instead, I carried on tucking into my scones.

"You're going on a quest?" I heard the hobbit, called Bilbo say from behind Gandalf. Even I knew about the quest, sort of, and I was asking whether I could try some of Podgy's ale. Funnily enough, he let me though he didn't look like the one for sharing. I lifted up the huge tankard and poured the drink into my mouth. Hmmm, a bit like lager, a bit sweeter maybe, quite nice. When I'd finished, I passed it back to him nodding, officially best friends. Did I mention his beard excelled everyone else's? Well it did.

"Bombur, lass." Someone hissed at us while we were forced to listen to the conversation. Anyway, Gand opened a map that Thorin got a bit emotional on; I was tempted to ask if watching Titanic would make him feel better, I didn't. Basically, they were going to a lonely mountain, bless it there with no friends, and kill a dragon called Smaug. I mean come on, who named the dragon? I'm sure when I came out of its mother there wasn't a nurse dragon there asking for its name. I mean, Smaug? It sounds like a bacteria or something. Bilbo hadn't quite caught this and came back.

"Sorry what beast?" His said whitening again. I looked up and waited for another dwarf to torment him.

"That will be a reference to Smaug the terrible." One with a rather amazing hat said. "Airborn, fire-breather. Teeth like razors-" I looked at Bilbo and interrupted.

"Um, I don't think that's helping-"

"Claws like meat hooks, extremely fond of precious metal." Before I could stand up in court and object, Bilbo interrupted.

"Yes, I know what a dragon is."

"I'm not afraid!" Said baby face standing up. I instantly stood up and began clapping him before I was pulled back down by my ginger bearded eating friend. "I'm up for it; I'll give him a taste of dwarvish iron right up his Jackson!" Baby face continued. I must say that sentence was not expected, neither was my sudden outburst of laughter while the other dwarves sat him down grumbling again.

"Ori, we have a lady present." I heard one say while they all stared. I only realised that he was referring to me, the only female there. Then there was some commotion of being called stupid by an old dwarf who looked like a pillow. You know the fuzz in pillows; well his beard looked like that.

"We may be few in numbers but we're fighters." An extremely good looking dwarf said. Where had he been hiding? With shock I started choking on my other sip of ale receiving rather hard smacks on my back. Did I mention he was really good looking?

"Don't give her that." Thorin said to my friend, who took his cup away. I faked a pout and crossed my arms. Sneakily, in my opinion, staring at the dwarf who was rather ring a ding ding.

"All of us." Golden dwarf (new name) carried on. I must have squeaked because once again I was stared at by…everyone.

"Some of us." I finished looking down at my lap as it had suddenly become rather interesting.

"To the last dwarf!" Golden dwarf shouted banging his fists on the table. He had lovely fists may I just add.

"And you are forgetting that we have a wizard in our company. Gandalf would have killed hundreds of dragons." Another rather good looking dwarf said. I chuckled as I imagined Gandalf, a knight in shining armour saving princesses from towers. Oh the irony. Gandalf seemed to be the only one who didn't think this true; I smirked as he fumbled his words. They were all asking for numbers so I decided to take action.

"Even if Gandalf had, what is the point of this quest if he could just kill them in the blink of an eye?" I shouted above the noise. Look at me, being an agony aunt, sorting everyone's problems out. I received an approving nod from Thorin which made my day. Gandalf looked at me with a smile I knew said 'thanks for saving my ass'. I nodded back to him and let the conversation go on. Something about rumours, I mean I was used to them, I went to an all girl's school for crying out loud but the dwarfs didn't seem very happy about it. I'm sure most of them were just people taking the mick out of their beards because they couldn't grow them themselves. Suddenly everyone stood up shouting, while I was yanked up by podgy and started nodding, hugging each other etc. In the end I remained for a quick dance which was copied rather pathetically by Podge, no offence to him. Oh great, someone had to break the happiness. Thank you fuzz face, you depression had to affect us all didn't it? The Gandalf had a key that Thorin had another little emotional spasm. I think we all should have just given him some space but apparently not.

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**A/N: Me again, sorry for finishing at such an annoying point. As you can tell, I've made some small references to Ivy's past that will be discussed openly soon. May I just add that she doesn't know any of the dwarves. Thanks! **


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